The impatient desi...

.. He's (yes I'm SEXIST) impatient... he's fidgety... he's there at baggage claim with his head sticking out.. so that everyone after him has to do the same to see if their luggage is on its way...

He's in the queue... any queue.. head bobbing up and down... trying to count the number of people in front of him...


He's in the car.. HONKING at you.. if you take 3 seconds more to turn out of the parking lot.. he's ready to pull his window down, stick his thumb out and ARGUE with you... (If he's in such a hurry.. why doesn't he mind wasting time to fight with you ??!!)

And no.. I'm NOT talking abt Bangalore here.. I'm talking abt good 'ol Silicon Valley... eeyup they're here.. and they're here to stay !!

They're unlikely to display their temper in front of an American... but if yer a desi and you get in their way.. don be suprised if the honk their horns.. wave their fists at you and frown with all their might and exclaim... "IMMIGRANTS" !!

Sigh....

Nahi rakhti dil mein kuch,
Rakhti hoon zubaan par,
samjhe na apne bhi kabhi.
Kah nahi sakti main kya,
sahti hoon chupa kar,
Ek aesi aadat hai meri.
Sabhi to hain jinse milti hoon,
Sahi jo hai inse kahti hoon,
Jo samajhti hoon.

Lucky Ali knows what I mean...

One in 3.8 million....

... who woulda thunk it !!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21369007/GT1=10547

So we're not the only ones...

From a bi-coastal relationship... to a inter-continental marriage ... to a 4 hr drive every weekend...
Yea, we've come a long way...

Apparently couples like us have really low divorce rates... howz dat for solace ;)

Still smiling,
me.

Yer killing it John....

... it isn't dead Yet.. but yer not helping any...

Why ?!

I'm really tired today...

.. Mentally .. physically... and I need to be in my senses tomorrow... EARLY !

I don't know if Ill be able to pull this off.. its taking too much out of me... I'm hanging on.. but barely by the skin of my teeth...
And its beginning to show...

I disguise my fatigue in artificial smiles and small talk.. but I'm sure they see it...

One day I was giving her advice...

(well it isn't my fault... they jus keep asking me :p)... and she ended up giving me some..
(eeyup.. we see a pattern there.. don't we !!)


She told me Men and Women "befriend" differently...
Women "befriend" to care.. be concerned.. be there.. be the shoulder.. be the support.. make room.. make time... to cry with... to worry with..

Men "befriend" to take for granted... to be at ease.. to forget... to be forgiven... to take up room.. without hesitation.. to laugh with.. to forget with..

Well then.. I asked her.. what should someone like ME do.. I asked her..
I "befriend" Men.. in the only way I know how.. Like a "Woman"...

Should I learn to "befriend" like a Man or teach them to "be" a "friend" to a Woman ?

She had no good answer.. neither is too easy...

One day I was giving him advice....

... I ended up getting some in return...

... "When do I shut up"... I asked.. "When I do stop revealing all the machinations of my uncontrollable brain ??!!"...
.. "Never" he said... "If you mean anything to her.. she will understand.."...
"She might take her time.. but she'll come around... she'll forgive you.."
"Go on.. tell her everything.. don be afraid... !!"

I did it... and then... I waited... but it never happened..

I revealed all.. the good the bad the ugly the GRUESOME..

But nothing...

She had seen the good.. before... she thought that was me.. in my entirety...
She did not like what else she saw... not even a little bit... She felt betrayed.. I didn't understand...
I had told her everything.. .how could she not understand... I pleaded with her... but to no avail...

I tell myself I've given up.. but I lie... in the depths of my heart.. I'm still waiting...

People say I have an "Attitude Problem"....

.... yea they do... (Can you believe it ??!!)

I say to them.. I've just got the "Attitude"... they've got the "Problem" !!

B-)

No time to blog...

.. but then can't get myself to concentrate on work today...

So here are some ramblings......

Why do so many desi women find the need to do the whole "shy bride" routine after they get married ?

I mean I understand that not everyone is an extrovert by nature.. but still.. is there an un-written rule somewhere that if you jus got married, and you go to meet your husband's friends you have to sit quietly in a corner till someone talks to you ? (I din get the memo on this one x-( )
I mean.. what gives ??!!
Over the years.. at so many gatherings I have met these women.. these otherwise outgoing, talkative women.. who jus sit there.. waiting for someone (like me ??) to approach them and get them to mingle with the crowd...
I mean.. there are times when I'm the newbie in the crowd.. and I still end up playin the ice-breaker !

Oh well.. I think someone should jus tell em.. that there's no real need... and they'll save themselves a lot of time (and boredom I'm sure..) if they jus mingle normally !!

Too much work.. too lil time...

.. Expired passport...

..Family arriving..

.. 7 a.m. meetings

.. Dirty laundry..

.. Faint headaches ..

.. Over-dose of caffeine...


.. But y'no what... life's still okay.. eeyup !!

I have what I need..and a plough through...

Your salary in Bananas ??!!

Well.. not quite.. but here while I continue to fret over the fact that I don't get paid enough.... I find out about this guy...

A very intelligent... "work smart" kind of guy.. who at this appraisal... instead of negotiating a Raise.. negotiates for "fewer" working hours :)

All the while that I was trying to figure out how I could work MORE to eke out more money/hr I spend at work.. this dude, was trying to figure out.. how to work smart and work out a deal where he now works fewer hours for the same money..
Claims he already has enough money, all he needs is more time on his own !!

WellI'llbeDAMNED !! :)

Today was about... (in no particular order..)

... weird dreams about family...

... walnuts, almonds and raisins..

.. financial planning...

... looking silly in front of IT..

... Mr. "You-know you know"..

... toast and an over-easy...

... serious Gaffes in code...

... washing dishes for the umpteenth time..

... easy farewells... knowing we'll meet again soon..

... Bangkok confusion...

... early morning calls..

... sleepy sleepy days...

... thinking about friends who are absconding...

... brief uncomfortable thoughts... easily overcome..

... rrrreallly really sleepy...

... missing Dad...

If I stop spending time with a friend...

... to be able to "be" a better friend to her...
Does that make me a good friend.. or bad friend... ?

:-/ hmmm....

When two people get together...

... they usually go one of two ways...

One in which the number of things they do together becomes a small intersection of what the two have in common...

Two in which each one takes the opportunity to try and appreciate /learn and understand the interests of the other person... as a result of which the activities they can both be involved in.. close to double !

The first one is unfortunate as you get to spend less time together (assuming you like the things that you do.. so you spend your time doing them alone...)
The second one is ideal in the sense that you get to explore areas that you haven't had the opportunity/interest to yet.. and that expands your own horizons alongwith giving you more together time..

There is a third way it can go... its when one person completely gives up on what they ever liked to do and do only what the second person enjoys....
This.. in my opinion.. is worse than the first one... UNLESS of course.. you ACTUALLY completely change and begin to like ONLY the stuff that your significant other does...
THAT is kinda pathetic.. but yer probably happier if you have sufficiently convinced yourself that your significant others' interests are now YOURS !!

So its true about a lot of North Indian parents (of boys mostly ??!! though I can't be too certain...).. and maybe of others too .. that the "beautifulness" of their children's spouses are an indication of how "good" their marriage will be !
Unfortunately sometimes they make their opinions so clear that they might actually end up "affecting" the marriage .. hence making their initial assumption correct !!

.. or something like that atleast.. you get my drift !

But its not just the parents.. aren't we all guilty of saying.. "He/She coulda done better !!"... alluding to the looks of one half of a couple.. at some points in our lives ?
Or sometimes our reactions are almost patronizing... "But he's a wonderful person.. "

So how important is it.. for a couple to be equally matched in the looks department ? Or for a person to pursue and woo (?? is dat english for "patao") a person who's good looking "enough" for their families and friends ?
I dunno... I think I know a lot of "beautiful" people who wouldn't evoke a second glance from a bystander... as also a lot of very attractive faces that I can't stand to be around for more than minute.
But I also know people who are concerned that their significant others do not evoke appreciative glances from friends and family...

Aren't we all just a little too needy ? :)

Nother thing about yesterday...

... After a long time I noticed the ladies taking care of their "boyz" rather than the other way around... which weirdly enuff (after all that talk about women's lib and whatnot).. seems to have become the Norm !!

Amazing weekend...

... A fun 'activity filled' weekend after a looooong time...

Went out camping with some friends... and some of their friends.. It was my first "married couples" outing.. And it was fun !! Eeeeyup you better believe it !!

I must admit I din think I would enjoy it this much..
I mean I was all enthu about the camping and stuff.. Just the idea of spending the night under the stars was really inviting... but I haven't had much luck in meeting people I get along really well with...

But this was easy... we were three couples.. quite different in our own ways...
Just the common sentiment of wanting to pack ASMUCHFUNASHUMANLYPOSSIBLE in our one day of outing.. did the trick for us..
And we din waste one second...
Everything from.. making the khichdi .. pitching the tents.. renting the dilapidated fishing boat (that even stopped.. bang in the middle of the huuuuge lake.. stranding us till someone noticed and agreed to tow us back ashore) .. and then finally the chilling out in the sand/sun/hardly-a-beach beach was simply amazing !!

I think I also needed this outing to unwind... I've been wound a lil tight the last couple of weeks..

Ahhh.... I'll sleep well tonite... :)

Happy Bday MORON !!

x-(

Ah..what a WONDERFUL day...

.. Spent the first half of my day in meetings.. and the second part of my day.. adding TABS to statements..

Can you f***in believe it ? Because I'm not a power user of emacs/vi I will be adding about 2000 tabs to multiple files today..
I can almost feel RSI setting in my wrist :-/

Dheere jalna.. dheere jalna dheere jalnnnaa......

Mein deewana... hoon mein deewana.. aise jaane na doonga jaana..

"With great power... comes great responsibility..." <- SPIDERMAN wise(??)
... and...
"With lot of information... comes a whole lot of nonsense.." <- INTERNET wise

I thought if I keep this window open.. next to me.. for (what's left of.. ) the entire day today... I might be able to capture some fleeting thoughts etc..

Irrational prejudices and biases stick pretty hard in my brain.. and refuse to vacate even when explicitly commanded to...
Makes me wonder if they really ARE rational after all.. but NO... that's not the point.
The point is they DO take up MIPS that could be better spent elsewhere...

Shaadi.com profiles that start with "Myself god-fearing, jovial... " blah blah.. bullshit is such a turn-off for me. Might have something to do with the fact that I'm a bitchy-atheist.. ;)
But naah.. its just way-too-run-of-the-mill.. and hence entirely boring and unimaginative.. thas all..

Hmm.. its an odd thing that I should feel sick today... considering I had all of yesterday to do that... ;)
Hmm.. maybe its the crap I have been consuming the past few days.. I think it might be time to go partly vegetarian.. I did it once 7 years ago.. on a stupid bet ! Went without meat for 40 days.. but I remember cheating on the diet with some Chicken flavored Ramen...

Looking forward to camping this weekend.. and to Junior's arrival in 2 weeks !!

Power emacs user.. I should just get one of those power emacs users' guide, set a deadline for myself and DOIT !!

focus.... Focus.... FOCUS GODDAMNIT !!

Today's the kind of day..

... that I should blog about...

Nothing spectacular happened... but nothing really went wrong...

I went in to work... did just enough to not feel completely useless..
One meeting happened and one got cancelled...
Got some good sane advice from a good friend... followed it.. and things are working out fine..
Had good food with some good friends...

A nice cool breeze is blowing outside.. and I'm slowly getting sleepy...
Have a call to attend early in the morning...

Looking forward to the weekend...

Time...

So this one's a truly weird thought... but like most other weird thoughts.. someone's probably already thought of this..

I don have time to google and confirm/disprove the same.. so here goes nothing:-

What if time is such, that in its infinitesimally small fraction, it is actually purely one dimensional. What I mean by that is, that there is no such thing as "In the meantime" !

Everything that happens, happens uniquely at a particular infinitesimally small instance of time, the only reason it 'seems' to happen at the same time to us is that we're not humanly or in any other way, capable of measuring that delta...

This means that there is no such thing as a true "parallel" in time... Does this also make everything causal in a way ?

Arrrrgggghh... I'm sorry.. we're out of time..

See you next week, at the same time.

Chat transcript with a buddy...

1:46 PM chat-buddy: do u believe in the funda of "bad time"

or its just human flaws and there is no external factor

1:47 PM me: I believe we are all miniscule contributers to universal probability !

chat-buddy: explain

me: :D howzzat for a philosophy

1:48 PM well it isn't jus human characteristics (why call them flaws if they make me beautiful).. it is a LOT of external factors as well

Some of them are straightforward right in front of us..and hence easy to perceive.. some of them are far away... but still affect us in finite ways

1:49 PM chat-buddy: hmm

me: its like P(A) = P(A/Cn) * P(Cn) + P(A/Cn-1) * P(Cn-1)... and so on

its an infinitely long equation

1:50 PM The people who claim "I don't believe in destiny.. i control my life" .. are merely trying to figure out as many of these finite Cn(s) as they can and try and control them. People who say "Jo hoga so hoga"... basically think the Cn(s) are way too many.. and try not to think about them !

But its all there.. whether you like it or not !

Kya bolta hai.. make any sense ?

1:51 PM chat-buddy: hmm..yea

how do u factor in time in the eqn

all the P(Cn) are varying

me: of course

so is the probability with time !

1:52 PM and that's what it means to say "maybe just the TIME was wrong" (context. Romeo and Juliet , Dire Straits)..

chat-buddy: he he

me: :D

ye thoda entertainment ke liye

par hua kya ?

chat-buddy: kuch nahi

me: hmm.. that can be a problem :)

1:53 PM chat-buddy: over the last 6 months..i hav been putting sincere effort into everything i do

but none of it translates to tangible results

i was jus wondering....coz i cant figure wat more/better i could hav done

1:54 PM me: yea.. mebbe there wasn't anything more you could have done

external factors not in your control... might have been responsible

chat-buddy: it leads to a question...how shd i maintain my confidence

me: Id say don beat yourself about it.

chat-buddy: im not beating...im jus tryin to find an explanation to it

..but human nature makes u introspective

me: introspective is fine

it is the search for that ONE factor that you think you might have been able to alter

1:56 PM and it helps you for next time... if you FIND one

but introspection can lead you to the result that you actually DID do everything you could have !

and then taht's alright

chat-buddy: true

ive realised confidence is one thing that can do wonders

me: actually the lack of it can do weird things to do

when you have it.. yer working full potential.. that's alL ! :)

1:58 PM it jus lets you do everything that you are capable off

thats it..

but human nature is such that we lose it very quickly

and so we;re rarely working at that level !

1:59 PM Anyway.. I'm an-atheist.. so all my philosophy.. follows the same route...

2:00 PM "Faith" that a lot of "believers" talk about.. to me is basically an artificial (??) means to bolster your own confidence... taht lets you work at close to full potential...

And it works for a lot of people :)

Used to work for me when I was younger

(much younger ;-/)

chat-buddy: hmm :)

2:01 PM me: Book likh daalu kya bol ?! ;)

chat-buddy: haan..haan...bilkul

me: hahah :D

chat-buddy: :P

me: the only way I can ever get rich ;)

The Bitch Brigade...

There are days when I jus can't "HELP" being bitchy.. and NO.. it DOESN'T have to do with 'that-time-of-the-month'.

I'm like that dude "Partho" in "Honeymoon Travels Pvt Ltd"...

I HATE myself after it..and I can't control myself before it.. and now I feel like banging my head against a wall.. Cept that it won't help my situation at all..

I REALLY need something to do in the evenings... I really REALLY do !! :(

And I have no friends... I really don't.. the only people who (sort of) like me.. are either on the other end of the country or the other side of the planet..

Dis SUX man !

Is it time ??!!

... to go off Orkut ?

.. to spend free time after work doing something useful ? Something that might be beneficial to me.. my health.. my marriage.. my career.. my financial situation... my mind ?!

Is it time really ? .. to grow up ?

So soon ? And I was jus getting started....

The countdown hath begun.. and it will end in less than half dozen days...

It's easy...

Back up.. farther and farther away ..

Till you can hear.. fewer and fewer words…

And then you pick those you want to hear.. and ignore the ones you find uncomfortable…

You play Chinese whisper with your friends.. tell them your version of the truth..

The convenient “truth”..

And they will believe you.. coz you’ll tell them someone else said it….

Not you…

Diarizing...

Left.. center.. right... center.. left.. center.. and repeat..

My boss says it isn't necessarily always physical stress that causes this kind of pain. He hinted that I maybe mentally stressed..

I told him I don't always realize it when I'm mentally stressed..

Effects of physical stress are easy to recognize.. I usually end up getting a new scratch on my car...
-------

The gift of poetically representing the abstract is one I was born without.. well I'm sure no one's born with it... so its one that I never mastered...

I'm good at exactly the opposite.. once I understand something I can explain it tersely yet completely to someone who doesn't get it yet...

But.. on the other hand.. its been more than once that I have been accused of being a sophist..
-------

I started to read Interpreter of Maladies.. short stories.. I didn't mind them at all...
After the first one I knew what to expect from the rest so I wasn't disappointed when nothing very significant happens in them...

I almost felt like I could write like her.. all I need is one incident.. or one dialog.. and then I have to sketch in the utmost boring familiar recognizable detail the events that lead up to it.. Basically pen down every insignificant link in the chain of thoughts that crosses the character's mind...

It shouldn't be difficult, maybe I should suggest this to Dad..

A dull pain..

.. in the neck..

Nothing much to blog about.
Not there was ever much to blog about before.. but the motivation is lower than ever...

I've stopped reading other blogs as well.. I don't find them as interesting anymore...
I don't know if it is actually the content that lacks punch of simply a lack of interest in what other people have to say about their lives/loves/interests or lack thereof.

It seems pointless.. almost stupid to discuss ideas, opinions etc. Simply words without action... They cause disagreements.. send my brain into hyperactive mode hence taking me longer to fall asleep..
And I need sleep to be able to get up and do what I have to do.. so I can make money so that I can then spend it on being able to do things that I want to do...

Still haven't been able to figure out what I'm really passionate about...

I like what I do.. most of the time.. but not always..
I was going to say "its not rocket science"..but then... who knows if I'd have really found "rocket science" exciting..

I thought about having a kid.. yea.. I did..
I hope it wasn't coz of boredom.. that would be sad..
But no.. I'm not ready for that as yet..

I have some new songs though... they don't make too much sense but I like them a lot...

Visual DNA (??!!)

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

My WORD !!

No no.. I'm not exclaiming "ENGLISH" style.. I actually have a word now.. and its ALL MINE !!

bzoooked (adv.):

Experiencing an incomplete
sense of accomplishment
accompanied by partial
contentment and exhaustion;
in addition to positive
anticipation (with a hint of
anxiety) about the future

Usage: "I am f***ing bzoooked today !!"

Desi red-necks from Freemont !

I met someone yesterday after a long time.. and he pissed me off !
(so what else is new.. you might ask.. but here goes anyway...)

He belongs to the category of people that live SMACK DAB in the middle of the desiest-town in the bay area.. I meet him right outside a Desi store.. and he starts to talk about how he "hates" it here coz there are so many desis... and mind you.. he's there to pick up some groceries... they're always cheaper at the desi store y'no...

He wasn't born and brought up in this country.. but he's moved here now.. and he's finally got his green card.. so maybe NOW he thinks that there are too many desis in this country.

What really pissed me off was that he thought I would be okay with hearing him say this ? Now I'm as desi as you get.. I dance pretty much only to desi music, and would trade a glass of expensive wine for a "tapri ki chai" anyday.. so I didn't get the idea behind him sharing his anti-desi opinions with me !!

I understand that some people find life here better than in India.. and they develop interests that are probably more common among Americans than Indians..
But if they start to make comments like these about Indians themselves.. what can we expect from Americans ?

Off to the mid-west for these desi red-necks I say.. they need a taste of their own medicine !

Women are judgemental...

Trust me.. I KNOW.. I am one !!

Its almost like we have to make an "effort" to NOT be so.. We're judgemental of all human beings.. but no matter how much the men reading this are nodding their heads in agreement.. we're WORST on our own kind !

Women are the harshest (is that a word ?) when judging women !

We do it in different ways..
Some of us judge physical appearance... height, weight, looks etc... ( ask any teen/pre-teen in high school in this country...)

If they're ok in that department, we judge their intellect.. I mean if they're pretty.. they've GOT to be dumb right ?

However, if they don't lack in the IQ department either.. then we judge their morality.. the clothes they're wearing and what not...

We judge women who leave their jobs to have children .. and we also judge those who leave them behind at a creche to go back to pursue their careers...

We judge women who are not vocal about their opinions..and then we judge those who express it too often or too loudly..

We judge our ex-boyfriends' current girlfriends.. our current boyfriends' ex-girlfriends.. we spare NO ONE !!

This is also linked to our constant need for justifying what we do..

Does anyone really "care" why we do what we do ? Or in the end.. are we simply justifying our own behaviour to ourselves ?

Is it because we don't even spare ourselves in this need to judge everyone ?

There's some seriously complex circuitry up there... one wrong move.. and you can blow our fuse... WATCH OUT !!